Getting Inside the OODA Loop of Your Ex — and Why It Matters

Julian Talbot
Nov 1
3 min read

If you’ve ever been blindsided by a lawyer’s letter or a last-minute court move, you know what it feels like to be reacting instead of leading.

It’s exhausting, demoralising, and expensive.

The solution?

Learn to operate inside your ex’s OODA loop — a concept borrowed from military and aviation strategy that applies beautifully to high-stakes family disputes.

What’s the OODA Loop?

Developed by U.S. Air Force Colonel John Boyd, the OODA loop stands for:

Observe – Gather information.
Orient – Understand what’s happening and what it means.
Decide – Choose your next move.
Act – Execute quickly and confidently.

It’s not just a decision model; it’s a competitive cycle.

If you can cycle through those four stages faster than your opponent, you control the tempo of the engagement — and they’re stuck reacting to you instead of leading.

In Boyd’s words, the faster loop “creates confusion and paralysis in the opponent.”

In family law, it means you stop being the overwhelmed respondent and start being the calm, responsive, disciplined party who always looks like they’re two steps ahead.

How It Applies to Separation and Family Law

When your ex (or their lawyer) sends an accusation, deadline, or emotional grenade, the natural instinct is to freeze or overthink.

That’s their tempo. They want you stuck in “Observe.”

Your goal is to accelerate through Observe–Orient–Decide–Act before they can.

Example:

Observe: Letter received 10:00 am Friday.
Orient: Understand the key issue (spousal maintenance, disclosure, or property).
Decide: Draft your core response points.
Act: Have a calm, factual reply back within the same day.

Now they’re reacting.

Their “14 days to respond” clock has started, but the emotional balance has shifted. You’re confident, controlled, and in rhythm — while they’re recalibrating.

Why Speed Builds Confidence

Every fast, well-crafted response reinforces your authority and self-belief.

It’s not about aggression — it’s about momentum.

By replying promptly (even if it’s “I acknowledge receipt and will respond fully next week”), you maintain composure and reduce anxiety. You’ll sleep better because you’ve taken action.

In court and correspondence, responsiveness signals integrity and reliability — both of which judges, registrars, and mediators notice.

Tools to Stay Inside Their Loop

Here’s how to make it practical:

Use ChatGPT – Have your AI assistant summarise incoming letters, draft replies, and identify weak points in the argument. “Please summarise this letter in 200 words and identify any threats, deadlines, or missing evidence.”
Respond Within 1–2 Hours – Even a short acknowledgement keeps momentum and goodwill on your side.
Track Timelines – For FOI, Human Rights, or subpoena responses, note that the statutory clock starts ticking once you respond. You’re not just staying inside their loop; you’re starting their countdown.
Stay Factual, Not Emotional – Every letter should sound like a chess move, not a diary entry.
Don’t Over-Communicate – Clarity beats volume. Two well-structured paragraphs are more powerful than a page of justifications.

Mindset: Calm, Focused, Relentless

Think of it like competitive sport.

Every volley you return smoothly and quickly reinforces that you’re confident, competent, and impossible to rattle.

You don’t need to win every point — just keep them constantly adjusting to your tempo.

If they expect a reply “sometime next week” and instead get a factual, composed answer the same afternoon, you’ve just taken control of the psychological terrain.

The Key Rule: Act, Don’t React

Don’t wait to “feel ready.” Draft now, refine later.
Don’t internalise their tone. Respond with professionalism and precision.
Don’t let a bad day break your tempo. Discipline beats emotion.

By staying inside the OODA loop, you stop playing defence and start running the pace of the entire exchange.

Closing Thought

In family law, confidence and tempo are everything.

Your ex (or their lawyer) may throw paperwork, deadlines, or drama your way, but if you can observe, orient, decide, and act faster — calmly and factually — you’re not just surviving the process. You’re commanding it.